I am upset. Here is why.

The smell of blood bothers me. Going to the ER bothers me. Here is a story for those of you that dont know me. When I was pregnant with Kalel back in 1997, I was still living in Jersey. I was 22 and in a very bad relationship. He was abusive in a number of ways. He called me one night after he was done getting high and said him and his cousin needed a place to stay. I was stupid and young and in love and I knew him since we were kids and I thought that if I loved him enough I could save him. I knew he was high. I went at midnight (even though I had to work at six am) to go pick him up. My sister told me to leave Tori with her. She was three at the time and asleep. I never made it. I had been having bad feelings for the past few days and had told a few people that I thought I might die. I had told my mother the night before that I thought I would die when I gave birth to Kalel. I knew something was going to happen to me, I just didnt know when. Fifteen minutes after I left the house, I was two blocks from the train station where he was waiting for me. I was going around a bend when I saw headlights coming at me in my lane. I looked to my right. Cars around me. Looked to my left, more cars. I remember feeling relief to finally know what was causing the bad feelings. I relaxed my body and asked God outloud to Please let me live. And then I heard the sound of crashing glass and metal and everything went black. I remember when I came to that there were people stopping cars all around me. My glasses had flown from my face and I could smell blood and I could feel rain on my face and hear voices. I couldnt see anything but blurry and later I would realize that my head had cracked and shattered the windshield and that glass was in my eyes. But at that time, I didnt know. The car was still running. I put the gear in park and turned the key off. I tried to move but I was stuck. I was pinned by something. Someone opened my passenger door and I said "OH MY GOD". I started to panic and I told him, "you need to get me out, I am three months pregnant." I remember thinking that the car might blow up with me in it. It took eight minutes for someone with an ambulance or fire truck to get there. It was the longest eight minutes of my life. They kept me talking. I told them to call my sister, she had Tori. I told them to call my mother. They didnt yet. I guess they just wanted me out first. I was stuck in the car with my back pinned against my seat. I had slid down towards the steering wheel and my steering column went into my knee. If you ever meet me, ask to see the smiley face on my knee from the fifteen stitches. It looks like a smile. They broke my back window open and my seat down. They cut my car open and the steering column out of my knee with the jaws of life. By now, I was freezing cold and it was raining. The blood smell was starting to smell like mold. He finally realized I wasnt coming yet and started to think something was wrong. He walked down the street and saw my car all smashed up. He thought I was dead. By the time he got there, I was on the stretcher and being loaded into the ambulance. When I heard his voice, it was heaven. I needed a familiar voice to talk with me. He got into the ambulance and they took me to the hospital. They called my mother from the rig and she later told me that they told her on was on my way to the ER in the rig but nothing else. She thought I was going to die. I think I had a dozen people working on me at once. They were cleaning up my knee and doing an ultrasound, and taking glass out of my head. It turns out my baby boy was fine, I had no broken bones. I had thirty stitches between my head and my knee. My right eyebrow had been ripped off and I had to be rehabilitated to walk with my bad knee (with a cane of course). I was in the hospital for two days with pressure cuffs on both legs. I had a major splitting headache and I lost my manager postition for being out of work for too long. He didnt stay at the hospital with me nor did he come back there. He took off and when he showed up four days later, he broke my sisters nose by punching her in the face.

So, now when one of my babies is bleeding and we need to go to the ER, I dont freek out. I stay calm. But I have a really hard time getting the smell of blood out of my nose and so now I dont know if I can sleep. I have a hard time with other people driving. I often have pain in my head that I know is from the accident. Sometimes i still get glass coming out. I have nerve damage to my back. And the worst part is that the other driver didnt have a license, it wasnt his car, the owner had no insurance, the driver ran and someone caught him. And i believe he was here illegally on a work visa under someone else's name. My insurance paid for all of my medical bills and my car and belongings. And I got a settlement which of course is gone. But now, I am left with pain. And memories. and it is really hard to let go of something that changed my life so much. I got a whole new outlook on live today as if it is your last. And I was never really afraid of death before but now that i had come so close, I am afraid I will go before I am ready. But if i knew ahead of time that I was going i would be ready. I am just afraid of going too fast.