To live like today is the last day

Caution: This is a very deep and soul cleansing post.

As a child, I would question life and death. I still do as an adult. I started to feel empathetic and sometimes psychic feelings as a child. I would often skip school because of anxiety or panic attacks. The death of my grandmother, who had been like a mother to me, impacted me in a way I couldn't recover from. I was depressed for a long time.

Before I was in the accident in 1997, I couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen to me and I couldn't stop it. The thing was that it wasn't a bad feeling. It was a very peaceful feeling. I knew that if I was to die, it would be OK and Tori would be fine. The day of the accident, I didn't feel those feelings all day. I got a call at midnight that my then partner was at the train station and needed me to come pick him up. I was hit by the drunk driver on the way to the station. The thing is that I remember every second of the slow motion montage in my head that lead up to him hitting me. I remember having a thought of clarity that this is why my body was giving off signals. I physically relaxed my body and braced for impact. I also said out loud, "God, please let me live." I came out of that accident without one broken bone in my body. Instead, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I question that every day that I live how am I still here. I don't know if there is a higher power who was looking out for me or if I had a guardian angel looking out for me or if they were psychic feelings connecting my body with my subconscious self. I don't know if I will ever figure it out.

After leaving that very abusive relationship, I took years to heal myself. I would look in the mirror and tell myself how good a person I am and how beautiful I am and that I deserve better than that and if no one was going to take care of me, then I was going to empower myself and boost my self confidence. I was pulling myself out of depression. Having almost died, I no longer had time to waste with people who didn't care about me the same way I cared about myself. I didn't seriously date anyone until I accidentally met Charles and loved him. It feels like decades ago yet I have only lived in Washington state for 12 years.

I feel like I have so much more healing to do. I am constantly growing and changing. Over the past 17 years, I have been to so many chiropractors and massage therapists that have tried to help my pain. The fact really is though that I am alive and I am here and I can walk. I just hope when it really is my time to die that my body tells me again. I wouldn't want to not be ready.

Love to all humans,
MK