I am going to be 40 in July and I have been doing a lot of self care and stretching and growing so much lately. Some things that have been a big or even small part of my life have been coming to an end lately. As with anything in life, there has to be an end to things before you can start new things and move on from the old. You may not know it at the time but when you are in the thick of it and it seems like things are hard or you are struggling with letting go, there is something new that will come along for you. 

This is what I am struggling with. Some things are ending and it is really hard for me to put myself out there and try to create new opportunities for myself and the kids. People that know me now may not realize that as a young girl I was extremely quiet and shy to the point of internal suffering. I would've rather suffered in silence then speak up to anyone about anything. Sometimes, I feel her shifting back into my mind. I may appear outgoing, extroverted, and happy, but really I am taking big, deep breaths and hoping not to be rejected. I am sure there are many others who feel this very same way. I live with a couple of them. I try to tell myself that I don't care what others truly think when they don't like me, why their opinions even matter. All any of us really want is to belong somewhere. If others don't like me, there must be some reason why. I step outside of myself to figure out if there are social skills I need to work on, but honestly with chronic pain, that is exhausting. So I continue to just be me and hope that people can see past my hyperactive outbursts or my repetitive talking (yes, I know I repeat myself). 

When we get together with others and I am feeling insecure, I will stay quiet and try to think out what it is I am trying to say. When I am not feeling insecure, I have this thing I call insert foot in mouth, because nine times out of ten, what I am saying isn't coming out how it should or I am repeating myself or I am shouting because I am excited that I finally have the nerve to talk! I talk so much now as an adult, it is as if I am making up for all the years of being so quiet. My oldest son is so much like I was as a kid. He never talks unless he has something important to say. I understand him in that aspect and sometimes am grateful that I get to be his mom because we are very much alike, so he understands me too. 

This year we have been doing so many more things with our local homeschool group since my job doesn't make it easy to travel places and honestly, we just don't have the money to go anywhere this year. My youngest is my motivator. She is so super social and needs to be around people. It has been nice getting to know people a little bit. We are slowly getting there and I just keep showing up and trying.